dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
