one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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