Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
