How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
