You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
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I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
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My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
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