if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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