he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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