Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
