When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
