Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
