omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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