Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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