I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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