I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
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I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
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You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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