Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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