Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
