Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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