i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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