...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found the puke drawer
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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