She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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