worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
