Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
