we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
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the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
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Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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