You can't special order awesome
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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