mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I smell stomach acid.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
