Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
