Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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