ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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