Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
