I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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