Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
