your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
