I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize