Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
