So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
