Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
