cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
