This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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