I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
