if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
