Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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