I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
