Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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