If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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