So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
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Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
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I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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