All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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