I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
