I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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