Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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