Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
