I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
