And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
