I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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