I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
