i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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