nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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