i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
