Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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