Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
