Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
