This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
